On That Thought . . .

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It’s been a while. How many journal entries start this way? I’ve been living in this house for about three and a half months. In that time I have become pretty good friends of three of my housemates. Graham and Katheryn are kind of like siblings in a way. It’s good here. Everyone is there for each other and there for support and no one gives you shit for fucking up, which is nice because I fuck up a lot and everyone being so nice about it is what makes me want to fix it. That’s the kind of person I am I guess. 

In other news I recently started a new medication. It’s always rough in the beginning but I can’t say anything specifically bad about it. After the whole debacle with being forced to stop taking my previous medication I felt like all of the side effects I’d endured for years really made the process a demon deal, but I’m feeling better about it now. I’ll let you know if that changes. 

In more exciting news I FINALLY have a job. I haven’t started yet. I’m still waiting on them to e-mail my further details after my background check goes through. I’ve worked at this place before but being pretty much guaranteed work until at least December is really kind of amazing. It’s been a long time. I don’t know how many hours they will give me but its such an amazing relief. Believe it or not I initially applied at this place a year ago. life is strange and persistence is important I guess. 

and finally in exciting news I am seeing someone. It’s been really nice, but I’m not quite ready to share any details with the interwebs yet. I’ll just say it’s been a it of a victorian era romance and leave it at that. hopefully I’ll write in this little journal a bit more often in the future so my entries don’t have to be big confusing overviews. 

-Kayleigh

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I haven’t been on my medication for about a month now.

I’ve been mostly fine but I haven’t really had to wake up at a certain time for most of it, and I’ve just been letting my body do what it wants. This means eating whenever I’m hungry and sleeping until I wake up and going to sleep when I can no longer stay awake.

On sunday I moved into a new house where I am held responsible and hold myself responsible. I share this house with five other people. Dinner is at 6pm every night and the house wakes up around 8 am. I was on a manic swing until Wednesday so all of this was really easy for me. But on Wednesday, when my alarm went off at 9, I just couldn’t get up. I turned it off and rolled over, repeated until 1:30 pm. I’ve been having trouble waking up before noon since then and the reality of not being on the medication that I’ve been on for the past several years has hit me again with it’s new implications.

Without my pills I’m more graceful, I remember things better and make mental connections more quickly, but I can’t wake up in the morning. I hate these decisions. It’s like I’m becoming more self aware. I realize why I’m so cheerful all of the time. Cheeriness is a mindset that keeps me as far away as possible from the downward spiral of worry. I can worry about everything or go with the flow for everything. I have faith in people because it keeps me going.

I think being negative is what makes my brother so unhappy. It hurts me so much to see him that way. He’s so skeptical about everyone and everything and has so much trouble believing that things can be good. Like he takes pessimism to an unhealthy level. I’ve met plenty of pessimists that are just often pleasantly surprised and accept it. 

I can’t afford skepticism, it would detsroy me. 

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Today was my first day in my new home. Here is how it went.

I woke up around 9am still groggy from all of the work i had to do to move over the past few days. The sun was shining softly through my windows and with my mattress on the floor instead of my loft bed the ceiling looked so far away. I stumbled though the kitchen where John sat at the table and wished me a good morning.

After taking a little while to wake up and paint my nails, I soon got to unpacking with Supernatural on in the background pleasantly distracting me from the task at hand. I made ramen and cut up some pepperjack to have with crackers for lunch and was joined by Mary and Rosy at the table doing various things. I sat and I ate. I didn’t watch a show while I absentmindedly stuffed my face, but instead sat at a table and looked out the window at the cherry blossoms. Realizing I was at a bit of a standstill with unpacking until I can build my bed/desk  I sat on my computer for a little while before slipping off to sleep still exhausted. I woke up and the fog had lifted and it was a beautiful day outside.

Mary let me know that dinner was ready. It was delicious and light and made by someone besides me, but also not junk food. I couldn’t stand being inside on such a lovely day so I went for a walk. I had a few things to do anyway. I signed a petition, got a coffee and sat in the coffee shop where I imagine I shall become a regular and chatted with a fixture of the shop and some friendly employees. Everyone is always in such a good mood in Seattle on sunny days, they all smile as you walk past and laugh louder. One of the baristas offered all of us in the shop some chocolate strawberries as she had to get rid of them while they were still fresh. I walked home in the twilight and counted myself lucky to live in such a world.

I haven’t written since the beginning of December. It is now March 19th and i finally feel like I’m moving forward. 

At the end of this month I will be living in a new home. I will no longer be in this apartment and while it will definitely take adjusting, I honestly think challenging myself will help me further in escaping my rut. I will be living in a house with five other people, all fascinating. I will cook with and for them and be cooked for and share stories and burdens. 

I am again unemployed. I worked the night shift at a Joann fabric for a little while, but I knew going in it was temporary. I made some really amazing friends there and I’ve been hanging out with them a lot. I need a new job and its strange looking for one while I’m moving. I still haven’t gained a grip on the area. I’m sure I will. 

I’m growing out my hair. It’s strange how cutting my hair became my way of letting go of things, of release, but now that I’m growing it, I had to find another way. I went through facebook and deleted everyone I haven’t spoken two in the last two years and unliked all of the stupid fan pages I liked back when that was the thing. I looked back at my past self and shouted “how obnoxious”. 

I am not that person anymore. I can separate myself from her. I deleted Jasmine. She destroyed me, and now that I’ve put myself back together again after both her and the Melinda thing, I realized how damaged I had become. I forgot my confidence, my fierceness, my boldness. I am not who I used to be, and I am not who Jasmine made me believe. Looking at myself through the eyes of new friends is everything I needed. So I’m breaking past all of the bullshit and starting anew. Some ties to the past should be broken, because they are only holding you back. 

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capiscion:

based on a sketch i did in a math book junior year of high school

Reblogged 1 year ago from capiscion
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Reblogged 1 year ago from capiscion

NerdByTrade: I’ve been in a very dark place lately.I really is a vicious cycle...

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nerdbytrade:

I’ve been in a very dark place lately.

I really is a vicious cycle that’s very difficult to break out of. Honestly I had a bit of a mental breakdown. I self harmed. I’m 20 years old and I have never done it in my life. I suppose that experience only helps me better understand others and know how…

a post from my other blog

Reblogged 1 year ago from nerdbytrade

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I was feeling very much in a rut.

Today I felt bad, asked a friend to tell me a happy story/pep talk. I felt better.

I felt trapped in my apartment so I took the bus downtown with my guitar on my back.

Got a meatball sub at a place I’ve never heard of and played guitar on the subway platform.

On the bus home I met some other buskers and they encouraged me to play a song. the bus went quiet at the second verse. It was an original. I felt amazing.

Flirted with a guy names Forrest. Bought milk. Came home. 

NerdByTrade: Yesterday I was taking a walk in Downtown Seattle and there was this...

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nerdbytrade:

Yesterday I was taking a walk in Downtown Seattle and there was this homeless man selling this newspaper called “Real Change”. The newspaper is a charity that gives the homeless the ability to raise money through selling these papers for $1 each.

The man said “Real Change for one dollar. If you…

Reblogged 1 year ago from nerdbytrade

Fight Or Flight

In my month and a half long visit back home there are a few things I have realized. 

Firstly I really like my apartment and Washington and living with Samie, my roommate. I miss her for quite a few reasons, but none more than how peaceful it is living with Sam. 

Reasons why it’s not peaceful living with my brother is a long list, I will relay a few reasons to you now. 

We are both Bipolar.

He likes to attack me in situations where I can’t run away. Now with fight or flight I don’t always pick flight, but when I don’t have the option I’m reduced to a screaming 13 year old saying “I HATE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE FUCK OFF!!!!” 

He is the most stubborn ass I have ever met. There is NO point arguing with him because in his mind you will NEVER be right. 

He likes to put limitations on what I can and cannot do in a really unreasonable way and give me shit for things that don’t make sense. I’m sorry, but when I chose to sleep during the day, I don’t get pissed when people go about their business and perhaps wake me up because I’m sleeping DURING THE DAY. I don’t expect everyone else to change their lives for me, and on special instances when I do ask them to be quiet, it’s AHEAD OF TIME.

I miss my mobility and independence and my best friend and feeling like an adult. I miss being able to buy my own groceries. 

When I get back I’m getting a job asap, because I DO NOT want to move back home. 

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